His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
