You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
