So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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