weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize