what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
