Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
