I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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