This house was built for laser tag.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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