I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
