I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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