I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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