$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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