Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
