Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
