you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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