Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
