every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
