He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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