I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
