I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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