Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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