i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
