i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
