Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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