youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
