3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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