Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
