i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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