i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
40s are totally the cure
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
