I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
