Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
