I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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