my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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