A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
