I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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