Too much gin, very little bucket
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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