it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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