already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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