Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
