Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
