Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
