he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
