What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize