Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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