i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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