i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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