Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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