I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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