I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize