You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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