I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize