You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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