i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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