I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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