he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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