I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
