I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
