I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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