were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
