How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's just like the Real World with babies
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
