I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
