I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
