Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
